Tales of the Idiot


Brian and Shiela get Married

Editor’s Note: this is a wedding ceremony that I wrote and performed for my friends Brian and Sheila, Yes its true I am a minister, form the same church that made Johnny Carson clergy so no its not a terribly serious commitment- in fact you can be one too ULC.org. A lot of folks have asked for it so here it is. All I ask is that if you use any of it, you drop me a line here and let me know!

Dearly Beloved, friends, relatives and other assorted strangers, Welcome, we are gathered here today to celebrate the ultimate union between two people, a corporate merger of the souls if you will, a contract in the eyes of God, and a tax deduction in the eyes of the IRS. Beyond all of that simply this is the loudest that you can shout their mutual love. Today we bear witness to the love and matrimony of Sheila Sweerin and Brian Jacoby.

This is a defining moment in both their lives, when two separate paths convergence and become one. Marriage is a legal and binding contract, but that’s not why Brian and Sheila and getting married, no one gets married so they can be bound to rules and guidelines, they get married because they have no other choice, and no I don’t mean that, they get married because if they don’t hey feel like they might break inside, because one day they realize that the only person they want to see in the morning is them. It’s the time in the cowboy movie when you know longer ride off alone into the sunset, rather it is now two silhouettes. Marriage means you never ride alone again, even if physically you’re a world apart this is the penultimate action of three little words “I love you”.

Though that sort of begs the question “ what is love”?, to illuminate that unanswerable question, I suggest we look to the be all, end all authority of all things culture-the pop song

love will keep us together, Love will tear us apart, Love is all you need, it’s just a love rollercoaster-step right up and get your tickets. don’t you want somebody to love, don’t you need somebody to love, wouldn’t you love somebody to love, you better find somebody to love. She loves you- yeah yeah, yeah. I gotta be cool relax, get hip Get on my track’s Take a back seat, hitch-hike And take a long ride on my motor bike Until I’m ready Crazy little thing called love. The look of love is in your eyes A look your smile can’t disguise, The look of love is saying so much more than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard, well it takes my breath away, this guy’s in love with you, I love LA, But only love can break your heart,Try to be sure right from the start, yes only love can break your heart. What if your world .should fall apart? Only love can break a heart, Only love can mend it again Words of love, so soft and tender, Won’t win a girl’s heart anymore. If you love her,then you must send her Somewhere where she’s never been before. Worn out phrases and longing gazes Won’t get you where you want to go. Who wrote the book of love?

Monday you can fall apart, Tuesday Wednesday break my heart Or, Thursday doesn’t even start It’s Friday I’m in love .ohh baby I love your way, And they whirl and they twirl and they tango Singin’ and jinglin’ a jangle Float like the heavens above Looks like Muskrat Love

Suffice it to say that Love is a thing that lives outside its definition, that no amount of pop song or poetry, can truly define, and no one picture can capture its essence, the best we can hope to do is catch a glimmer of it , and if we lucky recognize it for the beautiful truth that it is. It’s a truth we see here today in the eyes of Brian and Shiela.

Love is the easiest thing to do in the world, and it is the hardest nothing lifts our spirits higher, or wounds the soul deeper, it is the stuff that makes life worth living love is easy, marriage is hard, but oh so worth the trip.

And now a reading

From C.S. Lewis: “Being in Love”

“If the old fairy-tale ending “They lived happily ever after” is taken to mean “They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,” then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense-love as distinct from “being in love”—is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else. “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”– C. S. Lewis

Definition of Marriage
Love is the easiest thing to do in the world, and it is the hardest, nothing lifts our spirits higher, or wounds the soul deeper, it is the stuff that makes life worth living love is easy, marriage is hard,

Marriage is not just the stuff of sitcoms and programs on the lifetime channel, It’s walks in the snow even if its two in the morning and freezing, it’s a horrendous argument that ends with I love you, it s holding your wife’s hair back as they vomit, profusely. Or brining your husband dinner at the office because you know if you didn’t he would never eat. It’s a lifetime pass to movies be it action film, or weep fest that you would never see on your own, it’s putting songs on your ipod that you can’t stand because you know that your other loves.

Marriage does not give you street creed, or make you punk rock in any way shape or form. Marriage is about the small things; knowing what he likes on his sandwich, it’s buying an extra good humor bar to keep in the freezer for when you see her later. Its walking for hours down a beach not saying anything, because you don’t need too. Just holding hands is enough. It is smiling when they ring your phone, no matter how trying your day has been-just because.

One could argue that marriage is simply a forgone conclusion to a true love accepted . So it is in that spirt that I ask if either you Brian and Sheila wish to chicken out?

If there is anyone here, who knows of a reason why the couple should not wed, don’t speak now, but do keep your peace, this a decision between them, so pbbbt.

Wedding Vows (editior’s note: Vows should always be personal and they should always come from your own heart)


In past times the ritual of handfasting served as a sort of “trial” marriage, a means of checking out what marriage is. Given that this is an actual marriage, the trial period doesn’t apply.

Rather if you think that Marriage is a bond, like an invisible cord that holds two souls together, then this is a symbol of that love . By tying your hands together we are making an unbreakable knot, well ok a knot that would be really difficult to untie. The legend goes that as long as the knot is tied you will have a long and happy marriage.

Declaration of Marriage

By the power vested in me by a 5.50 peace of paper from the state of MN I know pronounce you husband and wife, you are now officially stuck with each other for all of eternity, or thereabouts You may know kiss

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls I know present you the legally married couple of Mrs. Sheila Sweerin and Mr. Brian Jacoby.


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  • a little about me…

    A man of many lives-some know Strouth as the filmmaker who behind the documentary "Unconvention: a Mix Tape from St. Paul" about the 2008 RNC, and M-80, some as a writer, or as a producer and musician and then of course their is the whole getting a kidney transplant over Facebook and Twitter thing.
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