I need to write more, but I can almost never bring myself to do it. I stare briefly at the computer screen, with a sentence formed in my head, before I quickly turn the browser to Facebook. It’s my own personal form of avoidance Oh hell let’s be honest its pretty much all of the slackergencia’s form of avoidance, my generation really sort of mastered that particular art form. The economy sucks, everyone is broke, and if they aren’t they are preparing to be. I saw my whole industry die a stupid and ignoble death, leaving generations to try and figure out what to do once the record industry is gone. Make no mistake its over, There is no bailout for the indie world, if only we made expensive things that put people in debt and destroyed the economy then we could get a check.

I find myself in the rather odd predicament of having lots of little projects and because the nature of them (Film, TV. Music) they have a certain profile, while at the same time I haven’t had the well paying corporate gig that subsidizes it all since June. Giving me plenty of time to brood and more importantly worry.

Not this Harold, a different one

Harold (the name that i gave my kidney disease) has become more forefront as he slowly (hopefully very very slowly) shuts down an organ, the thing is its not just that its all the other questions and read questions as fear that it raises. Make no mistake oh dear and gentle reader this is a disease that feeds on fear, like fat people at an Old country Buffet, and me I am chock full of fear. One of the many joys of chronic disease is not being able to tell actual symptoms from the messed up anxieties in my head ( please note that said anxieties are different then those in your head) See the thing is I don’t want to be defined by disease but right now it’s hard help it. It’s like it doesn’t just have a hold of my kidneys, it very selfishly seems to want my whole life.

I get told by people how brave I am and I’d love to be able to front a little here, play off that Steve McQueen cool thing, but it’s total utter nonsense: because I am scarred. It’s a reasonable fear for certain but fear nonetheless. Fear is not cool, not even in anti-cool nerd chic way. It’s a mastodon chasing you into the cave type of primal thing. And me, I am an all you can eat buffet of fear, which sadly is just the right diet for someone like Harold.

For me in most aspects of my life I deal with fear by jumping in head first, if it scares me I confront it, because I want to conquer it. Its worked great in business I made a lot of people a lot of money (of course I never managed to make all that much for me), It helped me make art with some amazing people most of whom had no business taking my phone call in the first place. That conformational edge helped me to rule the world or at least a very small corner of it. That was of course until I met Harold.

It all changed once he entered the picture, his presence in my life has ebbed and flowed in relation to the severity of his toxicity right now he back and with an ego. I worry about playing it safe, its not about money, or career , things that lost that can be built again, this game you only get the one chip, so you better play it the best you can. Why is it that when forced to take a seat in the high stakes game i start to play like a nervous dowager.
Fear comes in all sorts of flavors, its what keeps us in a job that is going nowhere, relationships that are just sad, it makes people wear pleated Dockers and shirts with golf logos on them. It makes us drink too much or not enough. It makes people virgins, it makes peoples whores, and it is a great motivator- only in reverse. It’s something your never thankful for: honestly when was the last time you said “Thank God I was so afraid of Fill in the Blank ”It’s what keeps us from doing the right thing, or finding the secret treasure that we keep hidden in our hearts.

Fear does have an archenemy though: Faith, sadly faith and I have had a somewhat rocky relationship, but that’s what happens when you start to doubt. You wake up one day and wonder where your life went, when it changed from a song by Mission of Burma to something by the Eagles, and we aren’t talking Kinda ok Glen Fry “Take it Easy” Eagles, but the hell-spawn damnation “Boys of Summer” Don Henley Eagles. Fear moves in and Faith does something else, possible a tour of hostels in Europe- I really don’t know she never writes.

Don Henley

I want to rebuild my relationship with Faith, but I have no idea how, she’s fickle and you really have to do all the work, I am told that there is great reward if you stick around but I have never been around for the Payout. Meanwhile Fear just never wants to go home. I do believe that everything has a purpose and I have to wonder if Harold’s not here to help Faith and me get back together. In the meant time I find myself a not so lucky Pierre in a most unfortunate threesome

I want to have normal conversations, complain about Britney Spears, make fun of Orin Hatch, but each little tweak in my body, every patch of dry skin, or minor cough brings him to the forefront. Faith would tell me not to worry about the little stuff, she’s nowhere to be found, instead Fear is there, and she wants to make smores. I hope that Faith comes by soon.

Everybody hates a sequel, yet here I am sequeling, or really giving an update. My Kidney disease, or Harold as I call it, has gotten worse. So much worse that I need a transplant, and within the next couple of months if I am to avoid Dialysis, which I am trying to avoid like a cabinet appointee is the IRS.

My levels got worse last fall after I made “Unconvention” a documentary about the RNC. They stabilized briefly and then got worse, and worse quickly. At the beginning of February (2009) I went to the Mayo for a second opinion. That’s when they told me.

The transplant list that they always talk about in medical shows really is a list- but unlike on TV the wait is about seven years. Hence why we have started the call for a “donor Kidney” basically friend or family who can give me one. (Oddly enough the U just published a study about Kidney donors and how it doesn’t have an effect on there lifespan or health http://tinyurl.com/awgybe Nowadays the donor doesn’t even get much of a scar , they use lazars, all very sci-fi). My other option is Dialysis, which is 3 times a week 4 hours a day. And your zonked on the day in-between. People on Dialysis can collect disability because its akin to being handicapped.

A transplant lasts 10-15 years then I get to do it all over again (God willing new Stem Cell research will have made this whole process much easier by then), so the reality is I might need Dialysis then. Given its ability to destroy your veins, I want to wait as long as possible before going on it, don’t get me wrong I’d be very happy never going on it If I could.

The whole process is surreal, and scary, not to mention weird , and did I say scary? It’s like your in school, and the class gets divided into 2 groups: healthy and sick, suddenly your in a much smaller group on the other side of the room, and your friends are all on the other side, and your now riding the short bus. Nobody wants to ride the short bus.

I don’t expect everyone I know to immediately drop everything and call but I get asked so I want to include it in this note. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated or coerced in any way. To be honest this whole process is surreal, but not in a cool Daliesque way, more like an Escher drawing, lots of stairs, lots of doors, no map.

If you do want to find out about donating your kidney you can call 612 625 7010, Margaret and Cathy are the donor coordinators, they do a 20 minute telephone interview getting some history and looking for any flags. If that goes well they send you a pack to bring to your doctor (or set you up at the U to draw blood, then they see if it matches to mine. (Apparently blood type isn’t as big a deal as it once was ). If you do donate, my insurance covers the medical costs, there are also some grants available to cover time away from work, or travel if necessary. The whole thing is anonymous to me until the end, so I don’t know who called or their progress. Margaret and Cathy can give you a lot more answers then that, but that’s gist of it.

As for other stuff, what I need is friendship, and a hell of a lot of distraction. I am one who often gets trapped in my own head, so anything that gets me out of it is a plus. Not every, or for that matter any, conversation needs to be about Harold. He is after all kind of a prick.

I do have insurance thanks to my partnership in Miyagi (keep me healthy get a haircut- hmm possibly the worst slogan ever) So right now we are ok, of course that may change as the whole thing unfolds.

The most amazing part of this is that as I feel at my lowest- I am amazed by the response of my accumulated friends and acquaintance. I am incredibly fortunate because I have gotten to be a part of so many different and amazing communities, so many great people some who have shown remarkable kindness. From people I have known all my life, and people I barely know. Giving someone a kidney isn’t like loaning them a sweater, the fact that it’s even considered is in itself an extraordinary and humbling experience.

Please do feel free to pass this along to those that might find it of interest, and I will leave you oh dear and gentle reader a few promises, ones that I am counting on you to help me keep.
1. I will survive: Gloria Gaynor has nothing on me. If I made it through my lifetime movie of the week worthy childhood, there is no way I am gonna get punked by kidney disease.
2. I am going to kick this diseases ass: sure I might need a transplant, but I am going to continuing to be me, making ridiculously big art, crazy records and pithy commentary about whatever the hell I feel like
3. Better Faster Stronger: I look at this as a rebuilding, almost being reborn but without the religious connations. It worked for the Six Million Dollar Man, why not me?

Your pal,

c

The RNC is over  and the Unconvention is at a close at least for me, however the shows are done. the question remains is what next. While I ponder that here are three of the four episodes (the first one has some good moments but it’s really not all that and a bag of chips…so ) here they are

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Ok, so some of you may have noticed my sort of staggering lack of writing here as of late. There is good reason for that. for the last six months or so my day job has taken up a huge amount of time. Something it hadn’t for a while, they need some problems fixed, which sort of took over my life. Its the great thing about hiring a compulsive problem solver, is that they don’t rest till the problem is solved- alas some problems are above my mere mortal skills. In the beginning of this month I found myself laid off.

As bad news as that is , I am thinking of it as a gift. A gift of escape, a get out outta jail guilt free card if you will. Knowing me I would have stayed always trying to fix what is ultimately unfix-able. I spent a lot more time dealing with corporate politics then being creative. Its very easy to get lost in the deal and by my own admission I am one of those guys who can get lost in it.

So I find myself with the glorious question :whats next? and to that i really haven’t a clue. There are a few other details that I may have forget to mention:

1. The missus and I are opening a hair salon called Miyagi, hopefully our doors will be open Mid-July, its in NE Mpls (411 E Hennepin right next to the Terminal Bar). The other ginchy thing about this is it will also provide me with a decent office to work out of, no disrespect to my spider filled basement.
There are a few pictures on my Flickr account if you want to see them. Its a pretty cool space and some great folks have been involved. Its been our secret project since last September I even went to Aveda business college to learn the specifics of their lanuage. The oddest part of this is hat I helped build a salon before during the Hair Police days, so this is a very odd Dejà vu, minus old friend and Focus 21 hairspray.

2. I have been working on a tv show for the past year, called “Conversation” It’s very cool, and all things willing the pilot episode will be done soon. I think I know where its going to live but my mouth is shut till we see an air date. You will forgive me if I am a litle sparse on details on this one. Timing , state secrets and all that.

3. I also produced a massive remix for te Vibro Champs, and am mid way through my first solo music project in ages “The Holy Roman Empire”- it’s sort of anti-music, experimental but hopefully not to self indulgent. That will see at least a Myspace page fairly soon.

So its not like I don’t have anything going on, in fact I seem to be busier then ever. My future plans do involve a lot more writing, for this space and others, but for the moment I have to float a little where the river takes me. Of course the problem is I have no idea where its headed, and while apparently it has some rapids, I am pretty sure I can still stay afloat. I know this, I want to make art , and thats something I really haven’t felt for a while.

So there you have it. No stunning self revelations- at least none for public eyes, just me. For years my sense of self identity was based upon where I worked or what i did I don’t need to be Chris of blank anymore, lets face it that all started with Jesus of Nazareth and that really didn’t end so well for him. So Its just me Chris, and it really is all cool.

Sort of like this video from Black Kids, which couldn’t fit my mood any better.(thanks J for sending it along)